The title is a misnomer. No asked. Anything. I just want to head off annoying queries off at the pass. So here is a list of questions I assume people will ask:
Q. How do you stay so positive despite the fact that most people find you to be generally unlikeable?
A. I’m not positive. You clearly caught me drunk.
Q. The title of your page alludes to fitness. Do you work out?
A. I have earned my El One and El Dos in Bolivian Xfit. So I am in possession of a Certificate that pronounces myself an exercise person. I do attend the gym on a semi regular basis. And by most Body/Mass Index standards I would only be considered to be only obese, as opposed to morbidly obese.
Q. The fact that you are obese leads one to believe that you possess wealth that would allow for such body mass. Do you have any financial advise?
A. Yes. Lots. First pawn shops are a great place for a quick loan no matter what your credit rating. Going on a date and need to impress, but have no money. Put up your PS4 as collateral, and Boom! You have a $100. Have a car (and the title)? Boom! You have $500. Have the ability to counterfeit car titles? Boom! You just became a millionaire. Basically, pawn shops my friend. You can sell your stuff. Buy cheap stuff. Cash your pay checks. And take out a loan. Also, fuck banks. Pawn shops man. You can get everything but your groceries. I even have my insurance through my pawn shop.
Q. Wow. You seem awesome. How I can be like you?
A. You can’t.
Q. Is there some way I can be like a shittier version of you?
A. Maybe…. First you’ll need a career. Not just a job. A career. No college degree? No problem. Lots of colleges will take anyone, at any time. So middle of the semester? Who cares. Find a for profit college, fill out an application, a FAFSA, and get learning. For profit colleges are better because of capitalism. They’re not out to push some liberal agenda. They are out to make money, which is awesome. Also, they have like a 100% job placement ration, so you are guaranteed a job. So get your degree, take out extra money in study loans to buy flashy clothes and a car, then start making it rain once you graduate. Second. Say make random statements to complete strangers with a high degree of confidence. Lastly. Be nice to dogs… and to a lesser extent cats.
Q. How do you stay so positive!?
A. Alcohol helps. Lots of alcohol helps more.
Butternut Xfit and Betterment Society 