I have been taking a lot of flack for my stance on banks (I assume this is coming from banks scared of people like myself). Here is my take on banks, just so everyone is clear on where I stand. Banks are out to make money on your money. Fuck that. Take your paychecks, cash them at your local liquor store or pawn shop, and make that money work for you. Or at the very least, keep that money to yourself. But how you ask do you make that money work for you? Well you invest in things that will only hold their value. Currently I am stockpiling liquor. Liquor doesn’t go bad, and at some point the way things are going, it will be in high demand, hence making me wealthy. Find your own way to invest your money. For instance I also invest in squirrels. I breed them, raise them, then harvest their fur and meat for counterfeit uses. Clothing production companies located overseas love squirrel fur because it is very similar to mink, but comes at fraction of the cost. Schools love the meat because it can passed off as chicken for nuggets, but again, at mere fraction of the cost of chicken meat. My squirrel farm is a gold mine. But how do you keep your money safe you ask? Guns. And dogs. I also have a fucking insane chimpanzee living in my house that keeps things safe as well. To be honest the chimpanzee was probably a bad idea. He is pretty unstable, my house is routinely trashed, there is so much feces on the wall I just started calling it art at this point. Currently I can keep him in my good graces by keeping him hooked on nicotine. Which is also problematic for reasons I won’t expound on here, but coming back around, my house and my money is safe (markedly safer than myself if I am being honest). Another question I get a lot is about credit. Fuck credit. I have cash. Need to buy a house? Use cash. Need to buy a car? Use cash. Need a credit score to rent an apartment? Fuck that. Show the landlord cash, and that “needed” credit score all of a sudden becomes negotiable. Credit scores are only needed if you need to borrow money. I am beyond that. And so to can you.

As it’s bitterly cold outside, I’ve been getting lots of questions about home remedies for colds, coughs, and runny noses. As I’m the picture of health many people want to know what I do to keep colds away. The answer is easy: Red Bull, DayQuil, and menthol cigarettes (I go with Kools). DayQuil is a surprisingly effective remedy for the common cold, combined with Red Bull, it is doubly effective (if not triple-ly). I usually take three DayQuil tabs every four hours to maximize the effect. The menthol cigarettes work to your advantage in a couple ways. First, the smoke suffocates any of the cold germs that may be in your lungs. So by smoking, you are essentially smoking out the cold, similar concept to smoking out a wasp’s nest. Additionally, the menthol in the cigarettes acts like a soothing agent on your throat, much like a cough drop. So my pack of Kools is more or less a cold medication combined with a cough drop. Wrapping this up, if you want to fight off a cold: Red Bull, DayQuil, and menthol cigarettes.

Frozen pizzas are not a shareable food item. If you can’t eat it in one sitting, you don’t deserve the pizza in the first place.

Nutrition is a hot topic these days, with lots of so called “diets” promising all sorts of results. Low carb, low fat, low calorie, low sugar, the list goes on… and on. Scientifically speaking, all of those diets are probably terrible, and could kill you. The problem with nutrition is that if you consume foods that can be completely digested, your body will take on far too many carbohydrates, fats, calories, or sugars. That is the problem. What I have found is that consuming foods that your body cannot fully digest or process is the key to weight loss. For instance if you were to consume two gallons worth of quinoa, that would amount to approximately 7,000 calories. Far more than you would typically require. The problem being that our bodies can completely digest quinoa, meaning that you’re getting all 7,000 calories. You will gain weight. However, if you were to consume the caloric equivalent of the two gallons of quinoa in the form of Burger King Triple Whoppers with Cheese, you would consume 5.5 half tri-whops. But as your body will not digest most of the food from Burger King, you will be simply pass the majority of the calories. You will have satisfied your hunger. And you will not have gained any weight. You will have won.

The title is a misnomer. No asked. Anything. I just want to head off annoying queries off at the pass. So here is a list of questions I assume people will ask:

Q. How do you stay so positive despite the fact that most people find you to be generally unlikeable?

A. I’m not positive. You clearly caught me drunk.

Q. The title of your page alludes to fitness. Do you work out?

A. I have earned my El One and El Dos in Bolivian Xfit. So I am in possession of a Certificate that pronounces myself an exercise person. I do attend the gym on a semi regular basis. And by most Body/Mass Index standards I would only be considered to be only obese, as opposed to morbidly obese.

Q. The fact that you are obese leads one to believe that you possess wealth that would allow for such body mass. Do you have any financial advise?

A. Yes. Lots. First pawn shops are a great place for a quick loan no matter what your credit rating. Going on a date and need to impress, but have no money. Put up your PS4 as collateral, and Boom! You have a $100. Have a car (and the title)? Boom! You have $500. Have the ability to counterfeit car titles? Boom! You just became a millionaire. Basically, pawn shops my friend. You can sell your stuff. Buy cheap stuff. Cash your pay checks. And take out a loan. Also, fuck banks. Pawn shops man. You can get everything but your groceries. I even have my insurance through my pawn shop.

Q. Wow. You seem awesome. How I can be like you?

A. You can’t.

Q. Is there some way I can be like a shittier version of you?

A. Maybe…. First you’ll need a career. Not just a job. A career. No college degree? No problem. Lots of colleges will take anyone, at any time. So middle of the semester? Who cares. Find a for profit college, fill out an application, a FAFSA, and get learning. For profit colleges are better because of capitalism. They’re not out to push some liberal agenda. They are out to make money, which is awesome. Also, they have like a 100% job placement ration, so you are guaranteed a job. So get your degree, take out extra money in study loans to buy flashy clothes and a car, then start making it rain once you graduate. Second. Say make random statements to complete strangers with a high degree of confidence. Lastly. Be nice to dogs… and to a lesser extent cats.

Q. How do you stay so positive!?

A. Alcohol helps. Lots of alcohol helps more.

 

So for my New year’s resolution, I opted to never make a New Years Resolution again, because I don’t make good choices in general, less so when I’m in a post-holiday depression. Also part of the post-holiday depression is the cold reality that no one really cares about anything… so why not force my views, opinions, and strongly held believes upon the masses (or the dozen or so people who accidently find themselves on this page).  Literally no one has ever asked me about anything ever, and there is not a single person in existence asking for this blog (or for any blog if we’re being honest). But because I generally dislike most people, I refuse to given into what other people want. So here I am…. providing terrible advice, outlooks on life, remedies for everyday problems, and just overall negativity. So if you are typically a positive person, you should continue reading, mostly because you’re an idiot. If you are typically  a pessimist, then this is for you. If you insist you can’t be defined as one of the other, then fuck off, you’re not better than the rest of us. So there it is. The start of something beautifully unnecessary.